how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
