so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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