'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
