I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
