On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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