I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize