just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
