i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
