part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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