I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
