When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
