I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
