I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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