I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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