we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
