Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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