I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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