You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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