my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
