I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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