sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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