I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Bang-toberfest begins!!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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