I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
