Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
