Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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