I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
