Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
