You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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