I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize