I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
