FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
