i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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