I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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