i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I am never drinking with the goths again.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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