My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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