I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
