How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize