hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
