There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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