I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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