Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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