its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
