I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
