I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
