I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
