I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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