im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
