So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
