Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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