Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You made out with two different species that night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
