After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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