Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
