It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
