Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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