im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
