rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
