We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
