You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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