Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
