you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize